On being a minor, hermit A.'.A.'. lineage.

I recently suggested to a friend that he contact a large and active A.'.A.'. lineage if he was interested in pursuing the Great Work on a formal basis. I briefly toyed with the idea of mentioning my own lineage to him, but quickly dismissed the idea, in part on the basis that although the lineage exists and functions, I am, to all intents and purposes, not part of it except in the formal sense. Partly because people seeking to join a group come to it with expectations, and I doubt those would be met given our lack of Thelemic public figures, formal temples, and the rest. For the great majority of aspirants, the strange hermit with nothing to teach except silence, and a lineage that strictly minds it's own business and is practically unknown aside from the few who find our doors isn't exactly what they were looking for. 

The lineage I grew up in, now only exists at all because I declined to disband it when I myself was cut adrift at the resignation of my teacher. As far as I know it continues to function and initiate people to this day, but it does seem to attract a certain anchoritic type. The aforementioned friend, by no means a complete beginner but an experienced magician in his own rite, but very much the extravert, would probably have stagnated in such a small pool, and to my mind is really the sort who would require a certain pedigree. Not to mention the fact that I really dislike crossing the planes, friends do not typically make good students.

Some like it this way. The true Hermits and independent types who need nothing more than a magickal link and someone to check their progress once in a while, or to sit with them occasionally and share a quiet drink, the true fellow pilgrims. Such is the sort of initiate I am, isolate and noninterfering. Those that continue in the lineage of which I currently serve, seem contented to remain unknown among the unknown, 'dust lost in dust' we might say, avoiding the occult 'scene', with its attractions and dramas, to pursue the path for its own sake.

For me, had opportunities arisen earlier on when I was more attached to externals, I would probably have attached to the Jane Wolfe > Seckler lineage as being probably the only one with an unbroken chain of succession of known Adepti, at least that I am aware of. However, by the time the chance arose when my superior departed, I was already in the Inner College, and had students of my own to consider. The lack of responses from various Cancellarii meant that one of the larger lineages was never going to even speak to me, let alone accept me as a student, at the time I was essentially a drop-out with little to recommend me except enthusiasm, I had yet to find my place in the world. 

And now, nearly 15 years later and in a considerably different place, it's very much a done deal. I don't believe you can you can redo the Outer College grades, and you can no more complete the Knowledge & Conversation Operation at 5=6 twice than you can lose your virginity twice. Not to mention the fact that those under my care were quite content with the state of affairs, so at a time when I was looking for a new linkage, I declined the offer to start again as a Probationer and have all my students do likewise, I didn't have the right to reset everybody's path for my own vanity. This seems, nearly 8 years later, to have been the right decision.

These days, although not explicitly Thelemite even, I continue the 6=5 work, the paths of the Hermit, The Wheel of Fortune, Temperance, in utter isolation, with only occasional and suggestive contact with a Link in the Supernal Order. Only rarely am I contacted by a colleague in the Outer Order, and then only briefly. This is as it should be, and from what little I see things work well enough without my applying the 'long screwdriver' to manipulate things from a distance or otherwise interfere. It has to be said that the few occasions I have tried this haven't gone well, so now I leave well enough alone. I've effectively taken the Taoist approach to my role, but I am aware that for the majority of aspirants, the whole thing looks very ad hoc, and not really an Order at all, much less anything that deserves the title A.'.A.'..

To this end, though people continue to apply to the Chancellor, these tend to be the true Hermits, a rare breed. The majority are probably much better suited to the collegial and formalised atmosphere of a large and established lineage and the associations and structure they can provide.

An analogy can be taken from Ursula LeGuin's, 'A wizard of Earthsea'. The Young apprentice is initially taken on by the old hermit wizard on the mountainside. However, this silent and earthy environment isn't at all what the apprentice imagines or really needs to grow. Despite part of himself wishing to 'learn to be silent' with the old wizard, what he really needs is the lively and rigorous, formalised, and in some ways legitimised, college where he can earn his staff and study with the best and brightest teachers, and a group of peers to study and grow up with.

Not that I see myself as the wise old hermit on the hill, at least not the wise part. My approach, and that of those still affiliated with my line is very much in that mold. There is a certain glamour and official sense to those who train in the larger, formalised colleges of the A.'.A.'., a legitimacy that will, I feel, enable the Order to persist through the generations, and which I have no wish to try to emulate. Whereas smaller, unrecognised lineages such as mine, formed when some long dead initiate split from a teacher through death of disagreement, yet continued to teach, will likely eventually wither away as their all but invisible initiates remain undetected and the last aspirants decline to enter the portal, if they can even find it.

There is no regret in this. Things are as they are. Looking back on how they have developed I can see that there was no other way, and water doesn't flow under the same bridge twice. I have essentially sunken into the background, completely irrelevant as far as Thelema as a movement is concerned, and am content to remain so. I was never a good teacher, and at this point in my life I have no time or inclination to do more than occasionally write about my experiences, perhaps there's teaching enough in that.

In the meantime, people will occasionally come past my 'hut', and ask directions from the fellow sitting in an old chair on the porch; they will ask "which way to the Holy Order?", and 93 times out of 100 they mean the large and established college, its crystal towers glistening in the sunlight, not the old guy in the hut on the hillside, so I gladly direct them to the distant spires. 

Outer College grades as skandha

 I've often thought of the five grades of the Outer College not so much as things to be attained, but as things to drop off, to let go of. Recent studies into Buddhist philosophy, I noticed an interesting correlation with the five skandhas and the sephirah.

First, what are skandha: in Buddhism these are the 'aggregates' or 'elements', these are things that in themselves have no independent existence, being accretions of various influences, yet they often give the appearance of being real things in themselves. The skandha are as follows:

Rupam:  Form, physical existence. this skandha relates to the physical world, constantly in flux yet giving the impression of permanence, corresponding to Malkuth and the Neophyte grade. 

Vedana: sensation and sense-perception, the link between the body and the brain, the nervous system and it's signals that we perceive as sensations, and thus corresponds to Yesod. 

Samja: thought, ideas. the logical faculty and the contents of the mind, corresponding to Hod

Samskara: confection, conformation. Childhood imprinting, culture, behavioural patterns and values, corresponding to Netzach.

Vijnana: consciousness. Awareness itself, giving the impression of a permanent self, an ego, and thus corresponding to Tiphareth.

in Buddhism these aggregates are the components that make up our world: the worlds of the body, the senses, thought, sociosexual programming, and the sense of self itself, so we can see that the A.'.A.'. path through the Outer Order is an encounter with each of these in turn, to my mind the purpose of this encounter is to, recognise by direct experience the delusions of each skandha, allowing the gradual disengagement from its dominion.

Something to think about anyway, as we continue to work with these skandha.

The way out of the Palace.

 It's easy to look at the work of the A.'.A.'. student and be a little overwhelmed by the sheer amount of material that needs to be covered. Memorisation tasks, a diary, magick, yoga, theory, and practice, lots of practice...people give up when it dawns on them just how much there is to do. It has been said that the A.'.A.'. is like graduate school, and that's true in the sense that, it is assumed that you are already familiar with most of the core ideas, don't need your hand held every step of the way, and are ready to move on from a theory based path to one rooted in practice, you can do it yourself and try things out, that's really what it's all about.

Actually, rather than a path of gaining more things, the A.'.A.'. path is actually a gradual stripping away of things. The syllabus, practices, and your experience as an initiate is actually like grit in one of those rock tumblers, polishing away the coarse material so that only the gemstone remains, polished, gleaming, essentially itself.

In the Outer College we have six grades, six crowns to wear, six palaces to dwell in: the Palace of the body, the palace of the sensations, the palace of the intellect, the palace of the passions, and the palace of the ego-self, six levels of polishing, refining, stripping away the detritus so that only the jewel of your real self remains, which is non-self. Each of us passes through these in a specific order, some are more comfortable in one than another, depending on the degree and type of polishing required. Some move swiftly on, some tarry in one or more for years at a time. The longer you stay the more you get stuck, so I advice anyone in the A.'.A.'. Outer College not to hang around to smell the flowers. But at the same time it can't be rushed. Many people stay in one palace their whole lives, identifying with one or other palace, and way if being. This is a waste of time, since we are never truly 'done with' any of the grades, we just get to a point of diminishing returns, so it's better I think, once we have gotten somewhere with the tasks, can pass the tests, and at least understand the grade (even if we don't fully embody it), to use that basis to prgress to the next grade..

I'm a scientist by profession, I know a lot of people who live in the palace of the intellect (Hod), intelligent people, fantastically good at what they do, yet overindulge in Hod and you can get a rigid cynicism, dryness, nihilism even if you are the 'negative' type, or else a stringent dogmatism with little flexibility, freedom is lost. Sportsmen and women who live in the palace of the body, but in time it wears out, athletes retire early for a reason, and then what? When I was younger many 'party people', mainly interested in drugs and loud music, lost in the palace of sensation (Yesod), some are still there now and often look much older than they are, too many late nights with huge amounts of mind altering chemicals, and they don't see it, stuck in one viewpoint, the path itself vanishes, as if it never was.

While it is true that there is no progress really, you're still essentially you, whatever grade you're at, it's critical to not get stuck, to let the polisher do his work, but to know when enough is enough for the time being, 51% is enough to tip the balance, 100% is a goal that recedes as you approach, so we move on when the path opens to the next grade, not when there is nothing else to be learned from where you are. 

Not to be fixated by the body, sensation, intellect, passion, the ego, don't get stuck. Walking is the point, we are pilgrims here, not just in the physical world but these inner palaces too, sojourners in marble halls, not dwellers therein, and if we identify with one or another too strongly we get stuck and the freedom we seek is lost.

So although I don't force, I encourage students to keep moving, not get fixated, and embrace the ever changing inner and outer landscapes. Life is change, and the way of freedom is the way out of the palaces, by going through them, recognising them, knowing them intimately, but ultimately remembering that we are pilgrims and not meant to live in palaces. 

Where the A.'.A.'. meets Zen Buddhism

 Those who have followed this increasingly sporadic blog over the years (very few I know), will notice a gradual pulling away from Thelemic interests, through different traditions and practices. What started as the blog of an A.'.A.'. aspirant, to Zen Buddhism over the last few years. That via explorations into Christianity as I unpicked my cultural upbringing. Not an uncommon transition it seems, I know a few people who have done similar, but I think it's worth exploring how such a transition came about.

I signed the Probationer oath in A.'.A.'. in 2010, and (full disclosure, it's relevant), completed the Outer College work, being accepted as a 5=6 (without) in 2015, before my superior in A.'.A.'. resigned, leaving me without a teacher for about a year, and students to oversee.

In 2016 I forged a link with a person, quite well thought of in Thelemic circles, and after a sever grilling over several weeks, this individual recognised me as a 6=5 (Adeptus Major). That was eight years ago now, there has been no progress since, I'm not any wiser or more powerful, but I have given plenty of thought to the meaning of this grade. 

So, what is an Adeptus Major? He (she) is one who "Obtains a general mastery of practical Magick, though without comprehension."

Have I done this? I think the grade really, in my case, has nothing to do with ones ability to perform rituals, cast fireballs, or use force to obtain ones objectives, as one might expect with a martial grade. The key word here is 'practical'. Whereas a Practicus is in grad-school, learning to do practical things like talk to Angels via Enochian and study the Qaballah, the Adeptus Major works in the Arena of everyday life, school is out, the real world is where he works. Here and now, with the actual conditions of ones incarnation. Geburah is martial, and anybody who has ever been in a warzone knows that theoreticals take a back seat to practicals. Reality hits hard, doesn't pull punches, and is merciless with dreamers and fantasists. Life as it is, grit and dirt and all, is the arena of the Adeptus Major.

Personally speaking, I spent decades achieving things, getting a PhD, getting a black belt in a martial art, and advancing along the A.'.A.'. grades, yet after all this, I'm still me. 

Wherever you go, there you are. 

For years I was essentially goal based in my practice and attitude, always aiming for the next grade, the next rank or attainment. But in the last few years, the academic qualification attained, the A.'.A.'. grade bestowed, the martial arts rank recognised, and after each one of these long sought after events, there I am, still me, still dumb and confused, a deluded being, but at least acknowledging my deludedness. 

At some point I stopped chasing, stopped running, and gradually came to recognise that life would go along in its own way, and my pushing and struggling wouldn't really alter the fundamental facts. I wasn't going to escape the fundamental problems of old age, sickness and death by attaining a grade in the A.'.A.'., and even if I was recognised as an Exempt Adept (7=4), these issues would still be here. In short, I recognised that, since I couldn't get anywhere, I might as well sit down.

An old teacher of mine once said, "you never actually get anywhere in life, so you might as well take the scenic route", and I've certainly done that. But now life is still essentially what it was in my 20's. Different job, different country, I'm married and have a young child, I work, my knees ache and my body is showing the first telltale signs of age in my mid 40's the wear and tear of an active life. I might have seen some interesting things, had some interesting experiences both in life and as an A.'.A.'. initiate, but after all that, here I am still. Chasing, obtaining, achieving, doesn't help, doesn't address the fundamental problems, I can't get on by getting on, so instead of endless 'going', 'being' has become more important.

Zen Buddhism is exactly this, and is the natural outcrop and expression of being, life just as it is. The religion has it's own temptations to be sure, Jukai, receiving the precepts, the temptation to ordain as a priest, shave my head and wear a robe, but I'd just be me in a robe with a shaved head, it'd make no difference. The heart of Zen is Zazen, shikantaza, just sitting. Enlightenment, instead of being some far off ideal never to be attained, is this very moment, right now, suchness, as it is in itself. 

For me, after all my struggling and straining, there is nothing else to do but carry on with life as it is. Do my job, raise my son, enjoy life as it is, spend time each day just sitting, not any special zazen, but just sitting without expectation of getting anything out of it.

So for me, Adeptus Major is not about flexing ones muscles, forcing oneself on the world. Practical magick is exactly life as it is, day to day concerns, making a living, paying my bills, raising my son, study, maintain my health, and stopping regularly to just sit and breathe. No success or failure, only each moment, each breath, each step. 

I'm not going anywhere, so I'll just enjoy the scenery.

The commitment is made

 Last week I participated in the ceremony of Jukai, or receiving the precepts, into a Soto Zen sangha. So that makes me a Buddhist, it is done. 

As part of the ceremony, the 16 Bodhisattva precepts are accepted, and as physical signs of that commitment, the Buddhas robe, in the form of the Rakusu, and paperwork outlining the bloodline, are received. I may put some thoughts down regarding these precepts, and it may be of interest to think about how they interact with the A.'.A.'. work that I did previously. Is this a continuation of that work, or a deviation? I'm not sure yet, but no matter. 

For a long time now my practice, if you can call it that, has been just sitting. Philosophically, I'm disinclined to philosophize actually, I don't find it helps deal with the very real problem of life and death. Buddhism on the other hand, especially Zen, is about what is, the here and now, and how we live in this very moment, it is akin to stoicism in this sense, and a far cry from the frivolity of metaphysical doodling entailed in the Qaballah, occultism, Christianity, or any of the other -isms I've delved into, all of which were sweet to the taste but ultimately devoid of nutritional value. 

So I'm going to think about a series of posts about the precepts, and may even try to approach other aspects of the practice, but being a very new practitioner (although I've been sitting for several years now) I don't plan on trying to do more than express my experience with Shikantaza style zazen, and with trying to maintain the precepts in my daily life.

Making a commitment

 The last year or so since I last posted has been turbulent, all change, and pretty damned quick, as Crowley once said. After an 18-month stint in Europe I'm now back in Japan, much to my relief, improving mentally, doing a job that although only short term, is quite enjoyable, raising a baby with my wife, and finally making the commitment to Buddhism that I've been hankering after for the last few years, the last few weeks have involved Rakusu sewing, work, study, and a growing sense that I'm getting nowhere, and in good order.

 

That has been a long time coming, and although I still don't quite 'get it' as far as Zen is concerned, my pragmatic, rather earthy approach to spiritual practice, suits Zen quite well, it being a practice that is very much experience based rather than faith based, not requiring acquiescence in unlikely, far-fetched doctrines or devotion to a sketchy leader.

I have more or less integrated and come to a truce with the Christian strain from my early life imprinting. After talking to a couple of priests and really digging into that faith deeply, I came to the conclusion that I can't in good conscience be an active Christian, and to be fair, I simply don't believe it in the way that the church requires at least, so that ghost of the past is more or less put to bed, although I do occasionally like a psalm or two, I won't be trying for sainthood any time soon.  

I don't think I'm going to be posting extensive discussion on Buddhism, Dharma, or the rest, I'm still learning the basics, and really the only thing that really matters is just sitting, being where I am, not adding too much and just seeing what's there. The main point in keeping this blog active at all is a sort of undirected notification to the world at large, and the few people who might occasionally pass through, of my mistakes, meanderings, confused speculation and the rest in what I can only call a sincere, if misguided search for reality, a coming to terms with things, not as I'd like them to be, but as they are. 

I have found that, due to location and other commitments I have had to put Aikido on hold for the foreseeable future, so no second-dan any time soon, although I will likely be able to continue training in Kenjutsu and Iai-jutsu at a nearby Ko-budo dojo, so I'm back to sword swinging too, which is nice.

Anyone who has watched this blog over the last few years will have noticed a sort of revolution in my position. I can only say that as time goes on I have less and less time for extras, for inauthenticity, or for fooling myself. I don't believe that there can be any spiritual life without unflinching honesty, not only on what we say and do, but in how we live in accordance with our most fundamental impulse. In my case what I see is a gradual falling away of many things that I accrued through my 20's and 30's, and now in my 40's I am actually closer to how I was as a child than anything that came after. I can't help but notice that in a sense this is exactly the point of Thelema for example, to live ones own truth in accordance with reality. Does that make me a better Thelemite than when I was actively trying to be one? 

It's easier to go wider than to go deeper

 It is a hard thing to talk about spiritual progress, the work, or anything like that. However, I do think it important to try to convey things, even when the expression is imperfect. The idea of 'progress' as is usually understood in the secular world, is often conflated with acquisition, getting more; more experience, more knowledge, more sensitivity, or on a coarser level, more grades and titles, or advancement along an imaginary spiritual path where one compares oneself to a standard, "can I do this practice?", "have I mastered this technique?", "have I 'attained' xyz experience?" or worse yet, we use this as a measuring rod to compare ourselves with others.

I find that old habits die hard. Though actively engaged in some sort of practice most of the time. Daily zazen, reading sacred texts, or whatever it may be, there is always that niggling urge to obtain something, often this entails some piece of knowledge, but as often as not it is something material. It could be a book, or a robe, a tool of some sort that, or expertise in a practice, link to a lineage or spiritual tradition, along with the badges to prove it, for example the insignia of a particular order. If I could just acquire it, would bring value to my inner life, validation, somehow make me more real, at least in the eyes of those susceptible to such things.

We might call this spiritual consumerism. It is certainly something I am prey to from time to time, a trap which, while I am aware of it, fall into occasionally nonetheless, and worse, I sometimes seek it out! My taste for nice things, high quality items, means that I am often tempted to buy this or that item, and there is always the impulse to affiliate with this or that group, identify as something, and have the badge to prove it. I want to be able to officially call myself an initiate, or a Buddhist, or a contemplative, even though I know that these are just labels. I feel that this is another expression of the sort of spirit that causes people to move from group to group, religion to religion, not just spiritual tourists, but spiritual consumers looking for the next thing. 

This is at bottom, no different from the sort of consumerism that makes a person need to buy the latest smart phone, the latest car, a bigger house, or whatever. Though there is commonly a tendency to wish to show these things off to others, more deeply they fulfill a sort of self regard, a spiritual narcissism. How would I look in this robe, do I want to be seen reading this book, I will feel fulfilled if I could only regard myself as this or that sort of person....and believe it! 

Such knowledge makes me realise how far from the path of the wise I really am; not even a beginner, really I am just out smelling the flowers, a spiritual tourist, a deer grazing greedily in a forest, even half aware that a tiger stalks. I don't have time, I need to get up and moving, but just...one...more...bite.

This is "going wider" making ourselves bigger, regarding ourselves and trying to make ourselves more real, more important, in the mistaken belief that this is the path. On the other hand, experience shows that no matter what we grasp at, however we present ourselves, everything we have and are is constantly passing away. This world and everything in it, in a sense, has already passed. The moment we know a thing it is in the past, and we continue to flow down the river of time in a boat (the body) which is itself in the process of fragmenting. There is nothing to hold on to.

The Christian mystics refer often to interior poverty, simplicity, and things which are very much out of favour these days when we still like to believe that we can have it all. This sentiment is common to other traditions; Buddhism in particular, and monasticism in most societies has an element of voluntary poverty, of renunciation.  I find that as things go on, even while I still fall prey to spiritual narcissism, there is a sort of appreciation of what these old mystics were saying. While the call to "go wider" is ever present, there is also the silent call, dry and unattractive, but quietly insistent, deeper and richer, like mature wine left long bottled in a cool cellar, to "go deeper", go further into each moment, even amongst my narcissism and greed, go deeper. 

Even while the ego struggles with meaning, or the lack of it, as time wears on and the appreciation of the poverty of that greed, that narcissism comes ever to the fore and shows me the vanity of much of what I do. Renunciation becomes less of a choice, not an option as such, but an acceptance of my natural state, the acceptance of the human condition. Aware of the shackles that bind, like a vine that grows tighter as I struggle, a thirst that increases as I drink, as Liber 65 would say.

If I could learn to be silent, to withdraw from the spiritual marketplace as much as the temporal, and instead of casting about for this or that thing, to cease 'looking for a sign', but to sit quietly in my room. To sit on my inner silence like a bird nursing an egg, then I might actually learn something worth knowing.