Making a commitment

 The last year or so since I last posted has been turbulent, all change, and pretty damned quick, as Crowley once said. After an 18-month stint in Europe I'm now back in Japan, much to my relief, improving mentally, doing a job that although only short term, is quite enjoyable, raising a baby with my wife, and finally making the commitment to Buddhism that I've been hankering after for the last few years, the last few weeks have involved Rakusu sewing, work, study, and a growing sense that I'm getting nowhere, and in good order.

 

That has been a long time coming, and although I still don't quite 'get it' as far as Zen is concerned, my pragmatic, rather earthy approach to spiritual practice, suits Zen quite well, it being a practice that is very much experience based rather than faith based, not requiring acquiescence in unlikely, far-fetched doctrines or devotion to a sketchy leader.

I have more or less integrated and come to a truce with the Christian strain from my early life imprinting. After talking to a couple of priests and really digging into that faith deeply, I came to the conclusion that I can't in good conscience be an active Christian, and to be fair, I simply don't believe it in the way that the church requires at least, so that ghost of the past is more or less put to bed, although I do occasionally like a psalm or two, I won't be trying for sainthood any time soon.  

I don't think I'm going to be posting extensive discussion on Buddhism, Dharma, or the rest, I'm still learning the basics, and really the only thing that really matters is just sitting, being where I am, not adding too much and just seeing what's there. The main point in keeping this blog active at all is a sort of undirected notification to the world at large, and the few people who might occasionally pass through, of my mistakes, meanderings, confused speculation and the rest in what I can only call a sincere, if misguided search for reality, a coming to terms with things, not as I'd like them to be, but as they are. 

I have found that, due to location and other commitments I have had to put Aikido on hold for the foreseeable future, so no second-dan any time soon, although I will likely be able to continue training in Kenjutsu and Iai-jutsu at a nearby Ko-budo dojo, so I'm back to sword swinging too, which is nice.

Anyone who has watched this blog over the last few years will have noticed a sort of revolution in my position. I can only say that as time goes on I have less and less time for extras, for inauthenticity, or for fooling myself. I don't believe that there can be any spiritual life without unflinching honesty, not only on what we say and do, but in how we live in accordance with our most fundamental impulse. In my case what I see is a gradual falling away of many things that I accrued through my 20's and 30's, and now in my 40's I am actually closer to how I was as a child than anything that came after. I can't help but notice that in a sense this is exactly the point of Thelema for example, to live ones own truth in accordance with reality. Does that make me a better Thelemite than when I was actively trying to be one?