Outgrowing Thelema

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

A little over a year ago I was talking with a friend and brother and I informed him that I was no longer a Thelemite. At the time I didn't entirely know what that meant, I only knew it to be the case. I was no longer saying Resh, facing Boleskine, doing Star Rubies or even reading Crowley's works. His philosophy, while interesting, no longer seemed, or seems real to me, and no longer touches me on any deep level. I am no longer a Thelemite, although it is part of my makeup. But then so are a number of other traditions.

I have now been actively involved in the A.'.A.'. for coming up to ten years. I have memorised Holy Books, performed magickal ceremonies and workings, invoked under the stars with wine and strange drugs. I spent 5 years in the OTO, leaving when it became apparent that they were not really 'doing the work', but instead engaged in an elaborate laarp (an understanding that hit me like a flash right in the middle of my II* initiation ceremony), and was rapidly being infiltrated by the alt-right, cleft by identity politics, intrigue and accusations of sexual misconduct as well as battles for hegemony a sort of thelemic hegemony contentious factions, and in general becoming entirely secular in its concerns. If that's organised Thelema I wanted none of it.

Though I have been involved in occultism since my teens, Thelema didn't really take off for me until my 20's. One fine, clear night in the very early spring of 2001 I was approaching my 21's birthday. I recall thinking that I was unhappy with where I was in life, having left school at 16 with only a single GCSE to my name and no discernible future. I had spent a lot of the time taking hallucinogenics and doing magic. All I really knew was that I didn't want to still be in that loop in ten years time. I recalled that night Aleister's words: "If you want to change your luck, you have to do something out of character". I took him at his word, and to the shock of most of my friends I signed up for 4 years in the British Army, where I was involved in surveillance and target acquisition and did two tours of active service.

That got the ball rolling. You could call it an act of Will, i.e. probably the first thing I had ever done that wasn't an automatic response to circumstances. But get the ball rolling was all it did, and it was several years before I learned to steer. When I got out of the Army I immediately went into autopilot, very nearly getting married to an alcoholic and settling down to a life that promised nothing but mediocrity and boredom punctuated by drunkenness and resentment. Luckily Uncle Al came to the rescue again and by way of escapism I began reading Thelemic works again and started quietly looking into the A.'.A.'.. After a betrayal of trust on her part I left my fiance, skipped town, joined the A.'.A.'., and the following year enrolled in university, where I spent eight years training to be a scientist.

Now looking back it appears something of a roller-coaster ride since that starry night 19 years ago. I am of course thankful for the Thelemic mindset. It gave me a lot of grit and determination. It is for this that I selected the motto 'Pertinax' (Stick to it). As far as the Outer College work goes, persistence is key. As in life, if you want to attain a set goal, persistence is key. Yet I maintain now that I am not a Thelemite. Not any more, at least not in the strict sense.

In terms of Doctrine, much of the bells and whistles of Thelema no longer ring true for me. I don't believe the reception story, I personally think that Crowley wrote Liber Al whilst on a sort of mental high or ecstasy, something that he himself said he was capable of. It's full of his style and bluster and I see no reason to believe a preaterhuman consciousness dictated it. I do however accept the basic premise Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law, and that Love is the law, love under will, and the metaphysical concepts described as Nuit, Hadit, and Ra Hoor Khuit, so perhaps I'm a Thelemite afterall, but these are only words to me, they point to things but in themselves are misleading. Babalon to me is overly sexualised and tends to short circuit the end it is intended to serve, defeating its own object and causing the mind to focus on the distractions of procreation. As for the A.'.A.'., well, there clearly are no Secret Chiefs. I agree with my supervisor that the A.'.A.'. is a spectrum of consciousness that anybody can plug into. The mundane order by that name that Crowley founded is only a syllabus and a structure. Nonetheless the spectrum of consciousness remains, and many of us have been successful in implementing the syllabus he gave and integrating it into our lives to great success.

The last couple of year have been about burning up old karma. About neutralizing the effects of previous causes, and what Castaneda called 'erasing personal history'. The sum total of my actions over the last 19 years is rapidly approaching completion. This is by no means permanent, and like anybody else I have to plan for inevitable change. Unlike before however I have no defined goals, the HGA didn't leave further instructions beyond what I am doing now. I have no True Will as such. One of the first things that happened when I was admitted as a 5=6 is that the HGA, up until that point a constant guide and companion, disappeared. The vision and name obtained prior to that proved empty signs, fingers pointing to the moon. I had my marching orders back in 2015, which I duly obliged, and by doing so found myself exactly where 16 year old me had dreamed I might end up, although at the time it was only a fantasy. It is now down to me to reach my own understanding, without having it given to me by an apparent outside force, and I am fine with that.

Now I am here, and by a much stranger route than I would have imagined. Nearing the completion of that particular karma, there is nothing left to will, no right or wrong path, only decisions that I make in the presence of the eternal. From here it's less about True Will and more about momentum. I am like a planet cast out of its original orbit around its birth star, out into the wilds of space. How far I go and how fast depend on momentum built up, and whether I hit something in the meantime; life can always throw a curve ball. 

I am less inclined to force anything, let alone set my will going in any particular direction. I have become more acquiescent, reflective. "Behold where thine angel hath led thee", now jump! My daily study and practice is that of Zen, and the Christianity that I was originally brought up in, now understood afresh from the perspective of an initiate. The significance of the crucifixion, original sin and other core elements beyond the mass of cultural accouterments and biases added to it from its inception in the 1st century. Not that I believe it in any literal sense, only that I understand the formula and can thus accept it as a praxis. A deepening appreciation of existence as it is, rather than what I would like it to be. Presence, mindfulness really, and a connection to life on its own terms, as per the Golden Dawn 5=6 ceremony: "even as we are bound to the cross of suffering", the only way to get on with life is to accept it, warts and all, without evasion or fear. I suppose I am reaching middle age, being 40 this year. Gone to seed, as a younger, more condescending me might have said, with a slight sneer no doubt. I will never be the sort of Christian that the church likes, an obedient sheep, and I am probably a poor sort of occultist, not rejecting Christianity wholesale as I did in my youth, but instead wearing it like an old jumper, a bit ragged and sometimes itchy, with holes and stains, but undoubtedly comfortable.

While I myself am no longer a Thelemite, I don't disregard it's value. Thelema is like a dose of salts, it gets results, and quickly. Anyone who takes up Thelema as a core philosophy should hold onto their hat. For those stuck in a rut it's just the thing, as well as for those indoctrinated with the more pernicious fundamentalist sorts of religion I would recommend a prescription of Thelema, as well as to anyone who's life has stalled and looks set to crash on takeoff. For this reason I continue to work within the A.'.A.'. system, as a spectrum of consciousness rather than a dogmatic position' Let others make a new religion of Thelema, I am quite content to just quietly tend my own garden.

Love is the law, love under will.