A calling missed: are vocation and True Will the same thing?

 As a kid I was always working with my hands, making things from wood and any materials I could lay my hands on, often going through the cutlery drawers and toolboxes in search of knives and saws that I could use, until my parents finally gave up and brought me a Swiss Army knife. I had other tools over the years and started to develop some skill working with wood, but as life went on I experienced a lot of distractions and deviations that occluded my path.

I ended up, having thoroughly messed up at High School, enlisting into the army for a few years. I saved money, and took up music, the mandolin and then violin. It was at that time, on visiting a luthier in my hometown, that I found that I now consider to be the calling that I came so close to fulfilling, but again events intervened. 

Once I left the military, I interviewed at a well respected luthiers college in England, and to my surprise and delight was offered a place to start that September. However, life had other plans, my fiancé at the time was utterly opposed to moving across to a new town. I made the wrong decision as it turned out and declined the offer, instead pursuing a course at a local college, which opened a career in environmental science, which I am somehow still in to this day.

That was back in 2009 or so. Having long-since broken off the engagement (less than a year in the college course), finished what I was doing in my home patch, moving across the country to attend university, later doing a PhD and then moving overseas. Life couldn't be more different from how I imagined it. During that time I also joined the A.'.A.'. and pursued that path to this day, but in the back of my mind there is still that inner sense that I could have been a luthier, had I been a bit more selfish, more selfish than my then partner who refused to move with me, causing me to make the 'honourable choice' and put her needs before my own. The fact that the relationship didn't last is enough indication that I made the wrong choice at that stage, yet it opened the doors in other ways.

I mourn that loss though, I still watch luthiers at work with a mixture of awe, envy, and sadness for what might have been. Working on musical instruments was something that consumed my attention in a way that nothing else ever has, yet without forcing the issue considerably at this point, that door is closed to me now, a missed opportunity. So what do we do when we feel that a calling like that is missed?

Well, for a start, we just live. In a sense, ones 'calling' is literally what one is called to do, it's called a vocation for a reason, it's the path you are called to, not necessarily the one you choose. This is where want and Will diverge, the opportunities that we are given, our available options and the extent to which they coincide with our inclinations. It's the lucky soul whose desires and opportunities coincide, and the rest of us have to learn to separate Will from Want.

We can only go through the doors that are open, and some doors are shaped so that we can only go through when we lose certain baggage. Had I broken off that engagement there and then and moved by myself to the town in which the College was situated, using my savings to get set up, then I would likely be in a very different place now, but I wasn't ready at that point to drop the 'millstone' (as my grandmother called her) that I had put around my own neck, and by the time that relationship ended I was already on the path I now find myself on, the door that was open had closed, and another path presented itself, and not without it's own share of luck and synchronicity, so who am I to argue? Twice I was funded to continue at points where only a dash of luck would have made it possible, there were other fortuitous events, but relating all that isn't my current purpose.

Instead of luthiery and the quiet life of workshop and simple craftmanship, the A.'.A.'., and a career in science, both areas in which I am constantly challenged and forced to learn and grown on a daily basis. Not bad really, and life still goes on. It makes me think that even when we miss our calling in life, that's perhaps not the same thing as missing ones True Will, in the Thelemic sense. A calling is heavily influenced by personal desire, what excites us and makes us want to get out of bed in the morning. It's a very human thing, and depends largely on luck and native aptitude as well as passion.

True Will on the other hand, is impersonal, being centred in Kether, so to speak, and only focussed in Tiphareth (the ego/self of the adept), which we could think of as a conduit of that light. True Will is the actual trajectory of every Star. It makes no sense to view True Will in terms of what might have been had we made different choices. We can all dream, I dream of wood shavings and oil varnish, but that isn't the path I am currently on, it's not the real trajectory of my Star.

We have to pay attention to the real topography of our lives, to 'chop wood and carry water' as current conditions require. As a 6=5, Karma Yoga is central to my practice, and that union with Karma has to be based on reality as it is, not as I would like it to be (although there's nothing wrong with working towards something, should circumstances allow). Even if we don't like it, we have to be ready to throw ourselves in at the deep end every day, and not count the cost. We don't always get the choice, but when we get our marching orders, we march, we don't stop and ask why.

When the Order comes, i it is often unequivocal, while at the same time being completely natural, the forces that govern our lives don't usually require a light show, except to penetrate the densest minds perhaps. It's perhaps no coincidence that at the six month point since my beginning the 5=6 work, instead of lights and visions, I was offered a graduate school placement on a full scholarship, something that I applied for simply as one of several potential pathways and one I didn't really expect to get. There was nothing to make it stand out and no clap of thunder from the heavens. No lights or obvious meeting with an Angel were required seemingly, it wasn't necessary to go to that effort, the message was delivered exactly when it was needed, and more importantly, it was heard and answered. Instead of bliss I got marching orders; "go back to school". I recall only one indication of 'advice', or subtle guidance. At the time when I was applying for other jobs and getting interviews, having just graduated and freshly back in the job market. I had the unavoidable urge to cancel other options and pursue this course, which I did almost despite myself. My A.'.A.'. supervisor later confirmed that this course of action constituted success in the 5=6 operation. In my case it seems that there was no time to bathe in the glory of 5=6 within, no long honeymoon, my HGA seemed to want to get down to business right away, and off I went.

So what is the path now. My earthly calling long left behind. The human initiate still regards this with sadness and a certain amount of longing, whilst also recognising that my current path has plenty to recommend it even though it's not easy. Yet the Adept knows that this is as it should be, total commitment calls for the sacrifice of 'what I would like to be' for 'what is', and Karma Yoga in that sense is simply the day to day pursuit of the path beneath our feet. As a sea captain who navigates the North Atlantic in a gale must take great care of the sea and the wind as they are now, never mind the fact that he'd much prefer to by riding a headwind in the South Pacific, or harbouring safely somewhere with warm taverns and good food.

So to my understanding, this is True Will. Just go on, read the sea on it's own terms, plot an accurate and unbiased course, put aside preferences, and most of all, listen. As the Blue Cliff record has it in case 2: "Chao-chou, teaching the assembly, said, “The Ultimate Path is without difficulty; just avoid picking and choosing."

That, to my mind, is the clearest and most direct description of the True Will, the way of the Tao.

An Order of Two

 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

The A.'.A.'. as it exists today is the source of a lot of confusion and misunderstanding, often among those who really should know better! Although the term 'Order' is used, this really, if at all, only applies to the outermost parts of the Order, that part charged with receiving and training potential initiates. There may be officers with specific jobs, traditionally three: Cancellarius, Imperator, and Preamonstrator. These are ascribed to Tiphareth, Geburah and Chesed, and serve as secretary, overseer and teacher respectively. There may also be a Grand Neophyte charged with looking after the Outer Order members, but in general this role is carried out by one or all of the original three.

In practice however, these three roles are minimalist, their holders don't interfere with the work of individuals, and serve only to ensure that the overall standards, traditions, and teaching within the Order are maintained. The A.'.A.'. isn't an order in the sense that the OTO or the Freemasons are Orders, there is no centralisation, there are no fees or meeting times, no charity dinners or special events, no group interactions of any kind. If there were, then it wouldn't be the A.'.A.'., but a social Order.

One of our lineal ancestors actually parted ways with another fairly well know A.'.A.'. lineage for this reason, citing that it was being turned into a social Order, largely because most of their members were in California, and interacting with one another daily in a 'teaching order' in 'service' to the A.'.A.'., had blurred the lines sufficiently that he felt that the term A.'.A.'. no longer applied. He walked away whilst a 6=5 and subsequently continued to practice under Israel Regardie (whether you consider Regardie a legitimate A.'.A.'. link is another question that I don't intend to try to answer here), it is thanks in part to his decision that my 'lineage', A.'.A.'. in Albion, exists today, and why we consider Regardie a lineal ancestor, if an indirect one, the active current of transmission goes via quite a different route.

As a tradition, A.'.A.'. follows the age old model of teacher/student transmission. The exchanges of letters, or these days emails. Phone calls, occasionally supplemented in the early stages by initiation rituals and paperwork, by one to one interaction in short, is where the Order really exists. In my experience, officers very rarely have any business interfering with these relationships, and only then when flagged directly by one or another party, and that is where the option is even available. For the most part such intervention does more harm than good, and it best left alone.

In this way, the Order is passed from teacher to student to student etc, down the line. We might hear of our predecessors, our fraternal ancestor so to speak, but in general have no business meeting or talking to them, much less to our Order siblings, if we even know who they are. As far as the A.'.A.'. is concerned, only the teacher student relationship matters, and that only up to Tiphareth.

Beyond that level, while the teacher is still around, that role is more comradely, as a graduated student to his/her professor. Respect and fellow feeling, but not authority, that is between each initiate and his/her Angel, for whom the teacher was really a surrogate. The teacher is now a companion on the path, a fellow pilgrim on their way to the City of the Pyramids.

So the A.'.A.'. remains an Order of Two, the initiate and the person who introduced them. It may happen that an initiate will later receive a student, in which case they become the teacher to that student, and it is still an Order of two since their teacher is not in that particular picture except perhaps in stories related. In this way the A.'.A.'. maintains it's integrity as an Inner Order, and avoids becoming a 'tea party' where 'members' get together to discuss, socialise, and otherwise bring the A.'.A.'. down to the level of mundane things. 

Love is the law, love under will.

 

On being a minor, hermit A.'.A.'. lineage.

I recently suggested to a friend that he contact a large and active A.'.A.'. lineage if he was interested in pursuing the Great Work on a formal basis. I briefly toyed with the idea of mentioning my own lineage to him, but quickly dismissed the idea, in part on the basis that although the lineage exists and functions, I am, to all intents and purposes, not part of it except in the formal sense. Partly because people seeking to join a group come to it with expectations, and I doubt those would be met given our lack of Thelemic public figures, formal temples, and the rest. For the great majority of aspirants, the strange hermit with nothing to teach except silence, and a lineage that strictly minds it's own business and is practically unknown aside from the few who find our doors isn't exactly what they were looking for. 

The lineage I grew up in, now only exists at all because I declined to disband it when I myself was cut adrift at the resignation of my teacher. As far as I know it continues to function and initiate people to this day, but it does seem to attract a certain anchoritic type. The aforementioned friend, by no means a complete beginner but an experienced magician in his own rite, but very much the extravert, would probably have stagnated in such a small pool, and to my mind is really the sort who would require a certain pedigree. Not to mention the fact that I really dislike crossing the planes, friends do not typically make good students.

Some like it this way. The true Hermits and independent types who need nothing more than a magickal link and someone to check their progress once in a while, or to sit with them occasionally and share a quiet drink, the true fellow pilgrims. Such is the sort of initiate I am, isolate and noninterfering. Those that continue in the lineage of which I currently serve, seem contented to remain unknown among the unknown, 'dust lost in dust' we might say, avoiding the occult 'scene', with its attractions and dramas, to pursue the path for its own sake.

For me, had opportunities arisen earlier on when I was more attached to externals, I would probably have attached to the Jane Wolfe > Seckler lineage as being probably the only one with an unbroken chain of succession of known Adepti, at least that I am aware of. However, by the time the chance arose when my superior departed, I was already in the Inner College, and had students of my own to consider. The lack of responses from various Cancellarii meant that one of the larger lineages was never going to even speak to me, let alone accept me as a student, at the time I was essentially a drop-out with little to recommend me except enthusiasm, I had yet to find my place in the world. 

And now, nearly 15 years later and in a considerably different place, it's very much a done deal. I don't believe you can you can redo the Outer College grades, and you can no more complete the Knowledge & Conversation Operation at 5=6 twice than you can lose your virginity twice. Not to mention the fact that those under my care were quite content with the state of affairs, so at a time when I was looking for a new linkage, I declined the offer to start again as a Probationer and have all my students do likewise, I didn't have the right to reset everybody's path for my own vanity. This seems, nearly 8 years later, to have been the right decision.

These days, although not explicitly Thelemite even, I continue the 6=5 work, the paths of the Hermit, The Wheel of Fortune, Temperance, in utter isolation, with only occasional and suggestive contact with a Link in the Supernal Order. Only rarely am I contacted by a colleague in the Outer Order, and then only briefly. This is as it should be, and from what little I see things work well enough without my applying the 'long screwdriver' to manipulate things from a distance or otherwise interfere. It has to be said that the few occasions I have tried this haven't gone well, so now I leave well enough alone. I've effectively taken the Taoist approach to my role, but I am aware that for the majority of aspirants, the whole thing looks very ad hoc, and not really an Order at all, much less anything that deserves the title A.'.A.'..

To this end, though people continue to apply to the Chancellor, these tend to be the true Hermits, a rare breed. The majority are probably much better suited to the collegial and formalised atmosphere of a large and established lineage and the associations and structure they can provide.

An analogy can be taken from Ursula LeGuin's, 'A wizard of Earthsea'. The Young apprentice is initially taken on by the old hermit wizard on the mountainside. However, this silent and earthy environment isn't at all what the apprentice imagines or really needs to grow. Despite part of himself wishing to 'learn to be silent' with the old wizard, what he really needs is the lively and rigorous, formalised, and in some ways legitimised, college where he can earn his staff and study with the best and brightest teachers, and a group of peers to study and grow up with.

Not that I see myself as the wise old hermit on the hill, at least not the wise part. My approach, and that of those still affiliated with my line is very much in that mold. There is a certain glamour and official sense to those who train in the larger, formalised colleges of the A.'.A.'., a legitimacy that will, I feel, enable the Order to persist through the generations, and which I have no wish to try to emulate. Whereas smaller, unrecognised lineages such as mine, formed when some long dead initiate split from a teacher through death of disagreement, yet continued to teach, will likely eventually wither away as their all but invisible initiates remain undetected and the last aspirants decline to enter the portal, if they can even find it.

There is no regret in this. Things are as they are. Looking back on how they have developed I can see that there was no other way, and water doesn't flow under the same bridge twice. I have essentially sunken into the background, completely irrelevant as far as Thelema as a movement is concerned, and am content to remain so. I was never a good teacher, and at this point in my life I have no time or inclination to do more than occasionally write about my experiences, perhaps there's teaching enough in that.

In the meantime, people will occasionally come past my 'hut', and ask directions from the fellow sitting in an old chair on the porch; they will ask "which way to the Holy Order?", and 93 times out of 100 they mean the large and established college, its crystal towers glistening in the sunlight, not the old guy in the hut on the hillside, so I gladly direct them to the distant spires. 

Outer College grades as skandha

 I've often thought of the five grades of the Outer College not so much as things to be attained, but as things to drop off, to let go of. Recent studies into Buddhist philosophy, I noticed an interesting correlation with the five skandhas and the sephirah.

First, what are skandha: in Buddhism these are the 'aggregates' or 'elements', these are things that in themselves have no independent existence, being accretions of various influences, yet they often give the appearance of being real things in themselves. The skandha are as follows:

Rupam:  Form, physical existence. this skandha relates to the physical world, constantly in flux yet giving the impression of permanence, corresponding to Malkuth and the Neophyte grade. 

Vedana: sensation and sense-perception, the link between the body and the brain, the nervous system and it's signals that we perceive as sensations, and thus corresponds to Yesod. 

Samja: thought, ideas. the logical faculty and the contents of the mind, corresponding to Hod

Samskara: confection, conformation. Childhood imprinting, culture, behavioural patterns and values, corresponding to Netzach.

Vijnana: consciousness. Awareness itself, giving the impression of a permanent self, an ego, and thus corresponding to Tiphareth.

in Buddhism these aggregates are the components that make up our world: the worlds of the body, the senses, thought, sociosexual programming, and the sense of self itself, so we can see that the A.'.A.'. path through the Outer Order is an encounter with each of these in turn, to my mind the purpose of this encounter is to, recognise by direct experience the delusions of each skandha, allowing the gradual disengagement from its dominion.

Something to think about anyway, as we continue to work with these skandha.

The way out of the Palace.

 It's easy to look at the work of the A.'.A.'. student and be a little overwhelmed by the sheer amount of material that needs to be covered. Memorisation tasks, a diary, magick, yoga, theory, and practice, lots of practice...people give up when it dawns on them just how much there is to do. It has been said that the A.'.A.'. is like graduate school, and that's true in the sense that, it is assumed that you are already familiar with most of the core ideas, don't need your hand held every step of the way, and are ready to move on from a theory based path to one rooted in practice, you can do it yourself and try things out, that's really what it's all about.

Actually, rather than a path of gaining more things, the A.'.A.'. path is actually a gradual stripping away of things. The syllabus, practices, and your experience as an initiate is actually like grit in one of those rock tumblers, polishing away the coarse material so that only the gemstone remains, polished, gleaming, essentially itself.

In the Outer College we have six grades, six crowns to wear, six palaces to dwell in: the Palace of the body, the palace of the sensations, the palace of the intellect, the palace of the passions, and the palace of the ego-self, six levels of polishing, refining, stripping away the detritus so that only the jewel of your real self remains, which is non-self. Each of us passes through these in a specific order, some are more comfortable in one than another, depending on the degree and type of polishing required. Some move swiftly on, some tarry in one or more for years at a time. The longer you stay the more you get stuck, so I advice anyone in the A.'.A.'. Outer College not to hang around to smell the flowers. But at the same time it can't be rushed. Many people stay in one palace their whole lives, identifying with one or other palace, and way if being. This is a waste of time, since we are never truly 'done with' any of the grades, we just get to a point of diminishing returns, so it's better I think, once we have gotten somewhere with the tasks, can pass the tests, and at least understand the grade (even if we don't fully embody it), to use that basis to prgress to the next grade..

I'm a scientist by profession, I know a lot of people who live in the palace of the intellect (Hod), intelligent people, fantastically good at what they do, yet overindulge in Hod and you can get a rigid cynicism, dryness, nihilism even if you are the 'negative' type, or else a stringent dogmatism with little flexibility, freedom is lost. Sportsmen and women who live in the palace of the body, but in time it wears out, athletes retire early for a reason, and then what? When I was younger many 'party people', mainly interested in drugs and loud music, lost in the palace of sensation (Yesod), some are still there now and often look much older than they are, too many late nights with huge amounts of mind altering chemicals, and they don't see it, stuck in one viewpoint, the path itself vanishes, as if it never was.

While it is true that there is no progress really, you're still essentially you, whatever grade you're at, it's critical to not get stuck, to let the polisher do his work, but to know when enough is enough for the time being, 51% is enough to tip the balance, 100% is a goal that recedes as you approach, so we move on when the path opens to the next grade, not when there is nothing else to be learned from where you are. 

Not to be fixated by the body, sensation, intellect, passion, the ego, don't get stuck. Walking is the point, we are pilgrims here, not just in the physical world but these inner palaces too, sojourners in marble halls, not dwellers therein, and if we identify with one or another too strongly we get stuck and the freedom we seek is lost.

So although I don't force, I encourage students to keep moving, not get fixated, and embrace the ever changing inner and outer landscapes. Life is change, and the way of freedom is the way out of the palaces, by going through them, recognising them, knowing them intimately, but ultimately remembering that we are pilgrims and not meant to live in palaces. 

Where the A.'.A.'. meets Zen Buddhism

 Those who have followed this increasingly sporadic blog over the years (very few I know), will notice a gradual pulling away from Thelemic interests, through different traditions and practices. What started as the blog of an A.'.A.'. aspirant, to Zen Buddhism over the last few years. That via explorations into Christianity as I unpicked my cultural upbringing. Not an uncommon transition it seems, I know a few people who have done similar, but I think it's worth exploring how such a transition came about.

I signed the Probationer oath in A.'.A.'. in 2010, and (full disclosure, it's relevant), completed the Outer College work, being accepted as a 5=6 (without) in 2015, before my superior in A.'.A.'. resigned, leaving me without a teacher for about a year, and students to oversee.

In 2016 I forged a link with a person, quite well thought of in Thelemic circles, and after a sever grilling over several weeks, this individual recognised me as a 6=5 (Adeptus Major). That was eight years ago now, there has been no progress since, I'm not any wiser or more powerful, but I have given plenty of thought to the meaning of this grade. 

So, what is an Adeptus Major? He (she) is one who "Obtains a general mastery of practical Magick, though without comprehension."

Have I done this? I think the grade really, in my case, has nothing to do with ones ability to perform rituals, cast fireballs, or use force to obtain ones objectives, as one might expect with a martial grade. The key word here is 'practical'. Whereas a Practicus is in grad-school, learning to do practical things like talk to Angels via Enochian and study the Qaballah, the Adeptus Major works in the Arena of everyday life, school is out, the real world is where he works. Here and now, with the actual conditions of ones incarnation. Geburah is martial, and anybody who has ever been in a warzone knows that theoreticals take a back seat to practicals. Reality hits hard, doesn't pull punches, and is merciless with dreamers and fantasists. Life as it is, grit and dirt and all, is the arena of the Adeptus Major.

Personally speaking, I spent decades achieving things, getting a PhD, getting a black belt in a martial art, and advancing along the A.'.A.'. grades, yet after all this, I'm still me. 

Wherever you go, there you are. 

For years I was essentially goal based in my practice and attitude, always aiming for the next grade, the next rank or attainment. But in the last few years, the academic qualification attained, the A.'.A.'. grade bestowed, the martial arts rank recognised, and after each one of these long sought after events, there I am, still me, still dumb and confused, a deluded being, but at least acknowledging my deludedness. 

At some point I stopped chasing, stopped running, and gradually came to recognise that life would go along in its own way, and my pushing and struggling wouldn't really alter the fundamental facts. I wasn't going to escape the fundamental problems of old age, sickness and death by attaining a grade in the A.'.A.'., and even if I was recognised as an Exempt Adept (7=4), these issues would still be here. In short, I recognised that, since I couldn't get anywhere, I might as well sit down.

An old teacher of mine once said, "you never actually get anywhere in life, so you might as well take the scenic route", and I've certainly done that. But now life is still essentially what it was in my 20's. Different job, different country, I'm married and have a young child, I work, my knees ache and my body is showing the first telltale signs of age in my mid 40's the wear and tear of an active life. I might have seen some interesting things, had some interesting experiences both in life and as an A.'.A.'. initiate, but after all that, here I am still. Chasing, obtaining, achieving, doesn't help, doesn't address the fundamental problems, I can't get on by getting on, so instead of endless 'going', 'being' has become more important.

Zen Buddhism is exactly this, and is the natural outcrop and expression of being, life just as it is. The religion has it's own temptations to be sure, Jukai, receiving the precepts, the temptation to ordain as a priest, shave my head and wear a robe, but I'd just be me in a robe with a shaved head, it'd make no difference. The heart of Zen is Zazen, shikantaza, just sitting. Enlightenment, instead of being some far off ideal never to be attained, is this very moment, right now, suchness, as it is in itself. 

For me, after all my struggling and straining, there is nothing else to do but carry on with life as it is. Do my job, raise my son, enjoy life as it is, spend time each day just sitting, not any special zazen, but just sitting without expectation of getting anything out of it.

So for me, Adeptus Major is not about flexing ones muscles, forcing oneself on the world. Practical magick is exactly life as it is, day to day concerns, making a living, paying my bills, raising my son, study, maintain my health, and stopping regularly to just sit and breathe. No success or failure, only each moment, each breath, each step. 

I'm not going anywhere, so I'll just enjoy the scenery.

The commitment is made

 Last week I participated in the ceremony of Jukai, or receiving the precepts, into a Soto Zen sangha. So that makes me a Buddhist, it is done. 

As part of the ceremony, the 16 Bodhisattva precepts are accepted, and as physical signs of that commitment, the Buddhas robe, in the form of the Rakusu, and paperwork outlining the bloodline, are received. I may put some thoughts down regarding these precepts, and it may be of interest to think about how they interact with the A.'.A.'. work that I did previously. Is this a continuation of that work, or a deviation? I'm not sure yet, but no matter. 

For a long time now my practice, if you can call it that, has been just sitting. Philosophically, I'm disinclined to philosophize actually, I don't find it helps deal with the very real problem of life and death. Buddhism on the other hand, especially Zen, is about what is, the here and now, and how we live in this very moment, it is akin to stoicism in this sense, and a far cry from the frivolity of metaphysical doodling entailed in the Qaballah, occultism, Christianity, or any of the other -isms I've delved into, all of which were sweet to the taste but ultimately devoid of nutritional value. 

So I'm going to think about a series of posts about the precepts, and may even try to approach other aspects of the practice, but being a very new practitioner (although I've been sitting for several years now) I don't plan on trying to do more than express my experience with Shikantaza style zazen, and with trying to maintain the precepts in my daily life.