Dropping the ball

At the outset I should be clear. This post isn't an attack on Crowley or his followers. It is really just an expression of my disentangling myself from a system and way of thought that I invested a great deal of time an energy into, yet in the end feel obliged, for the sake of self-honesty, to view with a sense of skepticism, perhaps even disillusionment.

Perhaps I'm bitter. Perhaps I'm also grieving a little for the ending of a mode of life that I embraced for a long time. I am certainly processing something, so bear with me.

This is just how things look where I am right now, not some universal truth....

Reading through various texts like Liber E, eight lectures on yoga, the Vision and the Voice, etc, that describe Aleister Crowley’s magickal and mystical attainments, you might get the impression that here is a master of the arts who has had the sort of experiences and attainments that most of us can only dream of. The style of writing and the descriptions of experience, as well as his suggestions and ideas on the theory of yoga/meditation and the rest sounds legitimate from our perspective as inexperienced aspirants and interested outsiders. These visions and attainments led Crowley to believe that he was a Master of the Temple, one who had overcome the ego, and thus truly selfless. More than that, in his mind he was the Magus, the speaker of the Holy Logos which would guide humanity through the next Aeon of its existence. He was in his own mind, in short, the new 'World Teacher'.

I have to admit that I swallowed this, hook line and sinker for a long time when I was starting out, and maintained it (I shudder to admit) through force of will rather than any deep conviction, I was too invested to just let go. Like a lot of keen A\A\ aspirants I subconsciously measured myself against Crowley, thinking that I needed to get this or that kind of experience at a given grade. To be fair, a lot of what he describes seems to be accurate as far as it goes. If you sit still long enough, you will start to feel disembodied. If you concentrate on a point for long enough, you start to lose all sense of time and space. The steps of Dhyana and Samadhi, that Crowley holds up as key stages in his system, seem unobtainable until you see what they are, and when you see them, they can be entered into in a moment’s notice (caveat: and lost again just as quickly).

Now, I might possibly get some hackles up, but then you can't say much these days without angering somebody, and the alternative is to not speak at all.

(Opinion alert!)

Crowley was a consummate writer with an extremely vivid imagination, a sharp intellect, and a keen awareness of both facts. He could conjure up visions in his writing that enthrall the mind of the reader, as they did my younger self. Just so, the visions themselves seem to have enthralled Crowley, giving him the impression that he had obtained great heights of initiation. These days though I can’t help but regard the whole thing as one big makkyo. Crowley could be regarded as his own worst critic, and having no teacher except in the very early days he was of course free to interpret his visions and experiences just as he pleased. If he wanted to proclaim himself world teacher, then who was to gainsay him?

My sense is that, had Crowley had a good teacher, he would have regularly been taken down a peg or two, if he would have had the humility to put up with that, which is questionable. You tell a well trained meditation teacher of your visions of oneness with the universe, experiences of universal love, or intimations of world teachership, you are likely to be told, “go back to your cushion, sit down and shut up”.

My sense now, having had, or approximated most of the sorts of experiences Crowley described, realised they are mostly products of my ego and imagination, having realised that having these experiences hasn’t benefitted either me or the world at large, is that I am still a complete beginner. I came out of them much as I went in, having 'tried on new hats', but little more. It wasn't easy to come to terms with the fact but there is is, but I am not alone. Crowley, for all of his visions and claims to attainment, never seemed to overcome his basic programming, nor did he really want to I suspect. He wrote in his 40’s and 50’s and into old age, much as he had in his teens and 20’s when he was starting out. He did seem to mellow, was kinder to students, as his letters to various people suggest, and to me this is a much higher attainment than any of the visions and initiations.

So, I’m not saying Crowley knew nothing, he seems to have figured something out in his way, perhaps arrived at a sort of peace with things as he grew older. It is difficult to say, though we have his later writings so we can gauge his overall outlook, though he never really let go of the visions and attainments, and there is the occasional hint of irony later, I suspect he had an inkling that it was all a mirage, but he never came out and said that.

We often hear of the beginner student who, having their first vision thinks they have cracked it, only to be disabused by their teacher. I feel that, had Crowley had this, instead of the praise of Jones and the adoration of his groupies and followers, might have actually broken out and begun to progress in the practice of meditation. Instead, he had his ego stroked, told himself he was this and that grade, and halted all real progress.

Did he produce a useful system in the A\A\? Yes, it has it’s uses if you apply yourself with full commitment. There seems to be an element of truth to the idea that even if the teacher is bad, if the student is sincere then good results can follow. But the idea of using Crowley’s  experience as any sort of standard of progress makes little sense to me now. You can learn all sorts of magickal techniques, acquire a good dose of occult knowledge on a range of subjects, so the system has value, but in terms of attainments themselves, but it's really not much more than a set of mental gymnastics to go through the various exercises and rituals. It is I feel, the dedication of the student to long-term and sincere practice that makes the difference, not the system itself. And therein lies its real value, in that it gives the student something to hold on to, but in itself doesn’t have any particular power or significance. 

Crowley was in my mind at least, as much a beginner as me, and if the blind lead the blind….

Aside from all of that, the attitude to others inherent in the Book of the Law has begun to leave a bad taste in my mouth. You can read almost anywhere in Crowley's writings a sense of aristocracy. Amusing that the son of a brewer should have such leanings, the sort of aspirational snobbery that makes a person aspire to the upper classes. It is no secret that he was a tory, and this basic world view comes out in his writings in places too numerous to cite. But the book of the law has numerous lines on stamping down the weak, the dogs, the sub-humans who don't accept his law. He is clear that anybody who doesn't accept the Book of the Law is a troglodyte.

I'm not sure if there was a time when I felt like this. For me, being a Thelemite was a useful maneuver in that it taught self-reliance, focus, and a can do attitude, so it had its uses, but more and more the less palatable aspects seem more pronounced as my own life experience leads me to fell less like an 'individual' and more like just another person, less need to distinguish myself and more a sense of being part of the whole of my species, and the universe as a whole. I do think AC had intimations of this state, but they are I feel overshadowed with the lower parts of his nature and his inherent classism and snobbery come to the fore in my mind, and my sense is that he got a glimpse of that universality, but it never really did him much good. 

So, what of the A\A\? What of the lineage I joined and passed through?

Once you have used it to climb a wall, a ladder is of no further use to you. But you owe it to the next person to leave it there, so they too can climb and see what you see, should that be their will. Decrying ladders alone doesn't help when there is still the perception of their necessity. But once you realise that there is no wall to climb ladders are seen as superfluous, something extra.

I was heavily invested in the A\A\, it was central to my life for over a decade, which is probably why I still talk about it a lot. I understand that others will come and want to try it out, will insist, as I did, on going through the system grade by grade exactly as written. I commend their commitment as having value in itself, even as I feel that there are much easier ways. I have only the smallest online presence, I don’t attract students. I know those who do, and who still teach the system, so my policy is to not interfere. But this blog is my space, so I can speak my mind. Nobody is obliged to agree.

At different stages in life people need different things. 15 years ago I needed Thelema, needed something to grasp, a ladder to climb, and any discipline is a good discipline. Now it doesn’t suit my outlook or match my experience in the world (but that is another post). There was a time I needed the A\A\ system, tried with all my might to get accepted by a teacher in that system, and when accepted I approached it single-mindedly, only for it to gradually fall away years later as I started to see things differently. But I recognise that this is just my path, my outlook, not that of another. So, I suppose I write this not to discourage others, but to record my own experience. And the understanding, in hindsight, that joining Crowley’s Order, embarking on the Great Work, was the spiritual equivalent of taking a fairground ride. Fun while they last, but the teacups only go in a prescribed circle and produce temporary giddiness. We can't play games forever.