When it gets uncomfortable

 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

November is here and winter is breathing his cold winds. It is a few degrees above freezing in my apartment when I wake up and there is little I would like more than to lay in bed. Various things are coming up that make it harder to settle down into meditation or any sort of formal practice. Today I have an important pre-test for aikido, in which the senior instructor will determine if we are ready to progress to the next grade and thus be allowed to participate in the formal examination. I have a piece of writing that was five years in the making, winnowed down to a mere six pages in the hope that a publisher will see fit to allow it to go to peer review. The outcome of this, whether I can get a first author publication, will determine the direction of my career and I have to stop myself from constantly checking for updates. A recent health check requires me to have an issue examined further, and while probably nothing there is always the spectre of potential complications. Don't even get me started on the state of the world, politics, the environment.

I know full well that a meditation instructor would probably say, 'just sit'. And I do just sit, but it's not comfortable. after a few minutes I notice the mind has wandered off into speculations, daydreams, playing out worst and best case scenarios. Gone are the physical issues with meditation, years since. After meditating fairly solidly for nearly 10 years now the body quickly settles into zazen mode, itches and aches quickly subside into the background. It's as if the body knows this cross legged posture and knows that it means to relax, to melt into the cushion, spine strait, muscles lengthened, just rest. Still occasionally there are times when just sitting is the hardest thing. The mind is also usually fairly good at this game. Once the slow, tidal ebb and flow of the breath starts, the gentle counting from 1 to 10, a well worn groove, a well trodden synaptic pathway which time and repetition have reinforced to the point where it can quickly dominate the awareness.

Yet still, occasionally, mornings like this. The sense of so many things pending. Short term and long term goals just around the corner, success or failure. Doors closing and opening. In a way this is always going on, although there are crux points where it all seems to converge. It is at these points, where 'just sitting' becomes most important, that it becomes most difficult. At such times all we can do is redouble our determination. Go out for a walk or something, find ways to alleviate excess stress, avoid falling into cyclic internal dialogues or fruitless speculation. In practical terms, do all we can, practice what can be practices, send off that application, submit that paper, attend to your health. But finally, the results are out of our hands. The secret of magic is to perform the ritual and then forget it, go on with life, trust it, and know that in the greater scheme of things it doesn't really matter. There is nothing left to do but sit.

Love is the law, love under will.